The Peel, Kingston-Upton-Thames +++++1/5

The Peel has seen countless bands grace it’s stage over the years. The glory days are long gone and it is now sadly closing down :( I played my fist gig there, had band practice there, went round the back there. So many memories. I wasn’t playing that night, I was there to support my mates band. The bar taps had been turned off and the bar staff were only selling bottled beer. sad times but after a few Tyskies you’re gunna need to visit the toilet, these were my findings…

The Peel toilets are not famed for their cleanliness or size. They are more famous for being pretty grim, although it was nice to see the staff had invested in a bog seat. I made my way to the cubicle where I was greeted by a piss covered toilet seat and a door that wouldn’t shut properly. It was a busy night and people were trying to bust in on me whilst I was doing my thing. Thanks to the old foot method I was able to keep the intruders out. I quickly wiped with the standard rough toilet paper, pulled my jeans up and shuffled towards the sink. Basically I was washing my hands in a big brown trey. It worked don’t get me wrong, but it was on a slant and there was water everywhere. There wasn’t any soap either which wasn’t helping anyone. I made my way over to the hand dryer which was covered in band stickers. I actually didn’t mind standing there for ages whilst the luke warm and weak air dried my hands because I was quite content looking at all the bands who had left their mark. Overall a pretty bad experience and anyone who has been to the peel before knows they arn’t the best toilets, but I’m going to miss them when they’re gone :( I’m giving my beloved Peel toilets a 1/5.

Shaka Zulu, London +++++ 4.9/5

Back in town for some fine African cuisine. Located in the heart of Camden, Shaka Zulu is a great place to grab a quality feed and if you stick around on the weekends it turns into a trendy bar/club type place in the later hours. I had just consumed a whole chicken and a ton of other tasty stuff. There’s only such a man can take before he needs to drop ya’know? I ventured around looking for the toilets, these were my findings…

First thing I noticed when I entered the toilet was the sheer size. A true MONSTER of a room filled with stripy walls, loads of urinals and toilet cubicles. I felt like a kid at Christmas, where to start? What do I look at first? An amazing first impression. I decided to make a move for the cubicles as that was my original mission. Solid lock, spacious and plenty of toilet paper. Good start Shaka Zulu lets hope you can keep it up. I remember thinking, “this could be the one, the first ever 5/5″ but I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. I made my way over to the sinks which were absolutely incredible. I don’t think I have ever such a high standard. The water was warm, the pressure was right and the mirror wasn’t cracked or stained. Things kept getting better when I turned around to dry my hands and I was presented with a parade of Dyson Airblades. Goes without saying my hands came out bone dry. I was feeling on top of the world, what an experience!!! Not to leave any stone unturned I began to inspect the row of urinals… and it all came crashing down. I felt the happiness drain away from my body as I spotted a leak in the pipe of the urinal at the end of the row. It was so close and probably should’ve been a 5/5 but I just cannot ignore something like that. I believe I will find a 5/5 one day but today was not that day. I’m giving Shaka Zulu 4.9/5

White Hart Lane, Tottenham +++++ 4.8/5

First things first I’d like to make it clear that I am not a spurs fan. Not that being a spurs fan is a bad thing, it’s just my loyalties lie with another football club. I had the privilege of attending a Europa league game and had blagged my way into the corporate suite. A combination of free beer, free food and a room full of arrogant bankers forced me to retreat to the toilet, which was armed by a guard. These were my findings ….

So I made it passed the guard. A larger than average man who looked like he wasn’t taking any shit tonight. I knew this toilet had potential, I mean c’mon, this is the corporate suite we’re talking about. I entered and was overwhelmed. It was so clean, so quiet and a pleasant zesty fragrance filled my nose which was a welcomed change from the usual stench of old turd and urinal mints. I cheerily made my way to one of the three toilet cubicles on offer. I was welcomed by a pearly white porcelain bog with ample toilet roll and a solid lock on the door. Unfortunately some animal (or banker) had been in before me and had left skids on the upper rim of the toilet bowl. The flush was powerless in this case and the skids had been left there to fester away. I did my biz and got out of there. There was plenty of bog roll on offer and it was a joy to use. On my way over to the sinks I passed the urinals which looked very nice. Decent spacing between them for maximum security (you know hoe bankers feel about their wangs). I washed my hands in warm water, I had adequate soap and was spoilt for choice when it came to drying my hands as there were two paper towel dispencers. Not the best but my hands did leave completely dry. Overall a pretty solid bog. It could so easily have been a 5 but due to the skids and the slightly below average paper towels I’m giving this toilet a 4.8/5

Audacious Art Experiment, Sheffield +++++ 1/5

I found myself back in Steel City to play a show and meet up with some mates. We had been driving for a while and had to make do with the usual fine cuisine that service stations provide here in the UK (McDonalds) and when you put a chicken mayo in the middle of a Big Mac and scoff it down in about 3 minuets, you’re gunna need a pretty big turd later on in the day. We got to the venue, I scoped out the toilets and these were my findings…

I had to double take. On my first look I thought I’d walked into a maintenance cupboard then I heard someone behind me yell “keep going mate, you’ll find it”. I cautiously ventured on and found the toilet. It is without a doubt the coldest toilet I have ever been in. I think I got piles from it. The pissers were well out of action as they were being blocked by brooms and paint pots. The toilet itself was good, spacious but there was a hole in the ceiling and there was stuff everywhere. I did my thing and went round to clean up. I had to make do with some fairy liquid for soap and wiping my hands dry on my jeans, I’m surprised the water wasn’t frozen inside the pipes it felt like it was that cold. On the plus side though there is some proper quality graffiti in there. The flush on the toilet is like nothing I have ever seen before. It’s aggressive, violent and comes right up out of the bowl! It is the most impressive flush I have ever seen and is something I will never forget. I remember calling out to the guys “COME AND SEE THIS!!!” Overall it was a cold experience and the impressive flush bumped the mark up. I’m giving this toilet a 1/5

Upstairs at the Garage, London +++++ 2.5/5

We all love a gig and not so far back I was in London to watch a mates band play. The venue was upstairs at the garage, conveniently about a 20-25 min walk away from the best kebab restaurant in the capital, Waterfall Kebab. Goes without saying it was a bangin night but you guys know me, I’m gunna need to do a turd at some point, especially with the amount of processed meat I consume. I headed for the bogs and this is what I found…

This is a very dark and stinky toilet. It reeked of piss. There is a hefty lock on the door though so you do feel safe when you log out. Because there is only a single crapper cubicle it experiences high levels of traffic especially on busy gig nights. As you can imagine this has taken its toll and its looking like it’s seen better days. The toilet itself was solid, bog seat felt really secure and was a great shape. The toilet roll was the standard rough stuff and the sink in the corner was a mystery. No soap, no dryer just a pecker corner sink. You have to see it to believe it guys, seriously. The actual sink where you wash your hands was really small, no hot water and the hand dryer is a joke. I had to make do with the usual wipe em dry on your jeans technique, we all know the one. Overall a pretty uninspiring trip, the bare essentials are there… for now, but given the amount of people that toilet sees every night it could very quickly drop down a few grades. I’m giving this bog a 2.5/5I shall return…

Alton Community Centre +++++ 2/5

My mate was playing his first show as a frontman in a band he’s joined recently so me and a few pals jumped in a car and drove (not me) to Alton to show our support. Armed with plenty of beer and a discounted 50p chicken salad sandwich I picked up from a BP garage, I was ready for a good night. However the before mentioned sandwich came back later that night to trouble my Bowles. Thankfully the guy taking money on the door pointed me in the direction of the toilets. This is what i found…

I was in a rush as the 50p discount chicken sandwich had done a number on my guts, I needed to get to turd city as fast as possible. Thankfully I got there in time and I was pleasantly surprised to have the choice of two cubicles. I opted for the one closest to me. I sat down and got rid of that sandwich as quick as possible. The toilet itself was very comfortable but when I was reaching round the back during clean up (there was ample bog roll) and my weight shifted slightly I noticed the toilet started moving. It had a fair bit of give in it too. Suddenly I saw some kind of piss/bog water coming right for my shoe. I was shocked and finished up quickly, flushed and got the hell out of there.

I made my over to the sink where there was a hot and cold mixed tap in a small sink with plenty of soap. The hand dryer was poor but I was more concerned about the leaky toilet. Overall I think the thing that really let the side down was the broken seal or maybe the u bend round the back of the actual toilet. You can’t ignore something like that so I’m giving this crapper a 2/5

Eurotunnel, England/France+++++ 2/5

Bogstandardz goes international!!! well… sort of. Basically I took a dump on the Eurotunell…

The train was moving at speed. There was a queue for the toilet. When it came round to my turn the toilet stank of turd and piss, it was also extremely cramped but when you have to go… you have to go ;) I bravely dropped my trousers and took a ride to turd city. There was no water in the toilet at the time of my “passing” so the first log i laid stank the place out even more before I dropped its brother on top of him. When I had finished I quickly wiped my arse with the cheap toilet paper and flushed with the weird small push button. Some water came out of the side of the bowl and sucked the two logs away really violently. I have no idea where the turd goes. The sink was pecker, proper small and there was only cold water. The soap was cheap and the hand dyer was sideways and utter crap. I was finished in a small and pathetic Eurotunnel toilet. The only thing that saved it’s mark was the unbeatable wine offer of buy 4 get 2 free on the door. I’m giving it 2/5

The George, Aldershot+++++ 1/5

The George in Aldershot, I’ve played some gigs here and also been here to see bands. As we all know, lots of people mixed with alcohol and a take away across the road = toilet madness. These were my findings :

This is a quick one. I was clocked half was through taking pictures by a angry looking squady taking a piss so I had to leave well quick. As you can see the toilet was a state. paper down one the side of the bog and a fucking shitty NAPPY on the other. There was also a load of skids all the way up the bowl. I have no idea how they got there unless the guy before me literally exploded into the toilet LOL. I didn’t wanna hang about in this place. I was getting bad vibes so I reached out for the bog roll to wipe and get out. Shame it was rough as hell. I mean really rough. I felt like my arse had been sanded away and left a bloody mess. Bad times. Onto clean up, and it didn’t get much better. Not only was there only cold water and not a lot of soap, but this was when I got rumbled by the angry man taking a piss. I didn’t have time to take any more pics but I can tell you there was a jonny machine and a shit hand dyer. I’m giving this toilet a 1/5

The Lagans Den, Kingston Upon Thames+++++ 4/5

The Lagan are a Celtic Punk band and EVERYONE should be listening to them.

They have a very special place they hang out and do loads of cool shit in called the Lagans’ Den, and it has a an equally rad toilet. These were my findings:

This toilet is legit. On the approach I found a cone. Once I entered the toilet I spotted the single urinal that had its own flush. It’s a first for me I have to say and I hope its not the last time cos let me tell you, ITS GREAT. So we’re already off to a great start and things were about to get a whole lot better. I entered the bog, sat down without any issues and got to business feeling on top of the world cos there was so much toilet paper all around me. Although there was LOADS of bog roll and I was completely spoilt for choice there wasn’t any in the dispenser but lets be fair, it’s loads easier to wipe with the roll in your hand. It was clear to me by now that these guys obviously have things locked down. I finished cleaning myself up and merrily made my way out towards the sink. Hot and cold taps with plenty of soap… well my my yes please, thankyou very much, this is fucking ace cos it’s RARE in this life to get all three. Onto the hand dryer and although it took a while, it got the job done. The only thing that I would change is the size. Chuck another urinal in there somehow and you’ve got a winner. Although it’s not a big toilet it doesn’t have to be cos there isn’t ever heavy periods of traffic. Never a queue, never a problem so I’m giving this bog 4/5

Up The Fucking Lagan

Bodeans, Tower Hill, London+++++3/5

YES, LOTS OF BBQ’D MEAT PLEASE AND A WHOLE LOAD OF BEER. Bodeans rocks as we all know and when you eat that much food the inevitable happens. I head to to the toilet and these were my findings…

Theres something you have to understand about the Bodeans toilets, they are shared between men and women. I was in there with guys n gals and I’m telling you now, its totally weird. So I go into a cubicle and start taking a turd and naturally I’m farting loud n proud to get things moving. Toilet humour as we all know is the best kind of humour but I could hear two girls outside waiting for a free cubicle laughing at my farts. The whole thing was really strange and it just didn’t feel right. Toilet paper was hidden in a big chrome disk and I had no idea how much was in there. Right now I was living life on the edge as I hadn’t checked paper levels before I started to drop. Luckily for me there was a fair bit left which was just as well cos there was loads to clean up. I headed for the sinks which were essentially in a long troff. The taps were ok and there was plenty of soap. I then noticed out of the corner of my eye the two dyson airblades sitting there waiting to dry my hands, AND THEY DID IT SO WELL. The toilet itself was a total state. Bog roll everywhere and there was piss all over the floor. A sign was put up to warn people of a wet floor (probably piss) but thats about it as far as the toilet maintenance goes. The smell was BAD and the whole mixed sex thing was weird. I’d give the toilet a 3/5 and I think thats being generous…

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